Winterize Your Honky Tonk Experience

In Honky Tonk on 12/03/2009 at 7:15 pm

Old Man Winter is coming for South Texas and he is PISSED!  I don’t know what we did to deserve the impending threat of snow.  No one here knows how to drive in normal conditions, rain makes everyone slam on their breaks and once, in high school, when the highways were icy, the whole city shut down.  *Sigh.*

Since Winter is definitely here, I have complied some tips on how to winterize your honky tonk experience.  Just remember, if you are unmotivated to go to a show because of the cold, so are most other people which means more room on the dance floor for you!

Before You Get There: Foremost, if the option is available, frequent establishments with a fireplace.  You benefit from pre-chopped wood, roaring away when you get there.  And who kills the fire and cleans the ashes later?  Not you!  So enjoy the hearth without all that annoying hacking and scooping.  Second, Put on some clothes!  Minors, I’m talking to you.  The time for super short shirts and shorts is summer and summer is over.  The tank tops should be under a long sleeved shirt or sweater.  And no, tights do not count as pants.  Third, and I can not stress this enough, Koozies, Koozies, Koozies!!!  They keep your beverage cold and your hand from becoming the same temperature.  They also make a personal statement better than any jewelry or cell phone cover can.  Personally, my collection totals 50+ and it says things like “I get financially advised” and “Buc-ee’s is a superior gas station”.  Now that’s REAL insight.

While There: Don’t sit near windows.  If the establishment is old (like any quality honky tonk is), the windows will be drafty.  It doesn’t matter how new they are.  Old buildings do what they want, which does not usually include conforming to windows.  Also dependent on the quality of the place, but at some point at least one window has been broken and replaced or is currently broken.  Inevitably, this will be the one you will pick to sit.  Next, dance faster.  That’s just plain sense.  Waltz your ass off, two-step like you’ve got fire ants in your socks and just see how much you notice the chill in the air.  While those leg muscles are warmed up, Ladies, THAT is the time to use the latrine.  Those seats will be so chilly you could store Blue Bell Ice Cream on them and that is not the feeling you want to partner with your bum.  While your muscles are in exercise mode is the time to hover.  The squat won’t be nearly as straining if you’re already moving.

Leaving: Make sure everyone goes to the bathroom.  This will reduce gas station stops and door-opening, heat-escaping moments in the car.  Be firm because inevitably, the person who held out will need to go five minutes down the road.  Also, offer to close the tab so someone else in your party goes to warm up the car.  By the time you’re done, the car is warm and everyone is ready to go. 

If you are craving a warm adult beverage, I recommend Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps.  Mmm!

Math fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.  Bizarro!


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