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Archive for November, 2009|Monthly archive page

Smells Like Canada Day

In Food on 11/30/2009 at 4:34 pm

With the Great Turkey now in a better place, I have been reflecting on the seasonal nature of food.  Operating under the impression holiday food associations are relatively normal, I will share some of my personal favorites.   (Although this post is not about honky tonk food but I have consumed the below *ed items in a honky tonk at least once.)

Thanksgiving: Pumpkin cheesecake – my sister makes a delicious study, though this year my niece ate the majority of my piece.  I’m completely lactose intolerance but supplement pills were discovered by science purely for us intolerants to enjoy pumpkin cheesecake and queso.  Cranberry sauce – my mom makes two, sometimes three types of cranberries.  Regular, jalapeno, and when she is feeling saucy (!), Grand Marnier.  Yow!

Christmas: Tamales*- handmade, pork wrapped in mashed corn goodness.  Bundled tin foil comes out of the freezer, into the microwave and out as Hot, Tasty Christmas.   Salmon salad – family recipe people either love or think is completely disgusting.  I am still recovering from the shock that mayonnaise is an ingredient but I love it just the same.  In a quest to convert to the salmon salad flock, here is the recipe:

Canned salmon, red – avoid the grey as my mother duly noted “No one wants to eat a grey salad”, Potato – Cooked and Peeled, Sour pickles, Onion, Mayonnaise, Lemon juice and Black pepper.  Mix in bowl.  Portions are entirely dependent on how much you want to make.  More mayo for spreading factor, less for plating.

New Years: Black eyed peas*and cornbread*- standard fare in the South Texas region to bring good luck for the rest of the year. This tradition supposedly dates back to the Civil War when Union troops typically stripped the countryside of all stored food, crops, and livestock, destroying whatever they couldn’t carry away.  Since Northerners considered “field peas” only suitable for animals, they were left for locals to consume.   Food snobbery has its beneficial moments I suppose.

Easter: Beans*- one Christmas I was visiting my parents.  The early morning bean-making smells emitted from the kitchen caused my sleepy brain to immediately think of Easter as beans with homemade pico de gallo was the family contribution to the annual Easter picnic.   Deviled eggs* are standard spring time fare, considered Easter food due to their ubiquitous presence at previously mentioned picnics.

Provisions have much to do with holiday popularity.  Perhaps if lesser-celebrated holidays had associated foods then perhaps everyone would eagerly anticipate Groundhog Day or Columbus Day.  Here are some potential food traditions for less thrilling calendar holidays:

Groundhog day: Nutria – a large, herbivorous, semi aquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a round nearly hairless tail, meat is lean and low in cholesterol.  I ate this once while living in Louisiana.  Light tasting and definitely in abundant supply.  This shares the top spot with pigeon as odd things I have consumed.  Nutria would work nicely because it looks like a groundhog but isn’t nearly as cute due to it rat-like tail.

Ascension Day: Soufflé – To commemorate the bodily ascension of Jesus into heaven how about a light, fluffy cake baked until puffed up, served as a savory main dish or sweetened as a dessert?  So airy and delicious, you’ll feel like raising your fork to the sky.  Hallelujah!

Canada Day: Maple syrup – Because, as everyone knows, Quebec, Canada, is the majority producer of the world’s supply of maple syrup.  Since the United States is the leading consumer, what better way to say Thanks Canada! than utilizing something emblazed on their national flag.

Columbus Day: Lemon Meringue Pie – To honor those brave sailors who suffered through scurvy, a disease resulting from a deficiency of vitamin C.  Since citrus = no scurvy, have some pie and remember how Columbus was the King of Making It Up as You Go!

(references: Wikipedia, Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

Random animation history: On January 24, 1961, Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was involved in a near-fatal car accident. He was left in a coma for three weeks and emerged from this state only after a doctor began to address him as Bugs, as efforts to talk directly to Blanc had been futile.  The doctor said “How are you today, Bugs Bunny?“, Blanc answered in Bugs’ voice and the rest is history (he lived 28 more years).

Thanksgiving

In Uncategorized on 11/26/2009 at 9:14 am

Taking off for Thanksgiving.

Intriguing nub of info: The Drug Clomipramine caused inadvertent orgasms when yawning for about 5% of users.

 

A Field Guide to Honky Tonk crowds

In Honky Tonk on 11/25/2009 at 2:33 pm

*** Please note this is an overgeneralization of what I have experienced as a common crowd dynamic per the headliner.  These groups are by no means confined to one type of show, nor are they the only attendees in the crowd.  However, if you see yourself here, maybe consider branching out. ***

‘09ers Alamous heightsii

Appearance: khaki and loafers galore.  Habits: aptly named after an affluent neighborhood, dominantly upper class, older patrons with a taste for good alcohol but not big drinkers.  More likely to toss money than actually hand it to you.  Typically come early and leave before the encore.  Territory: Gary P. Nunn, Pat Green.

Austinites Superus Coolii

Appearance: tattooed hat wearers (male), tattooed red lipsticked trendsetters (female).  Habits:  drinks Shiner and Sierra Nevada.  Never complains about prices.  Frequently asks about recycling.  Territory: Micky & Motorcars, Alejandro Escovedo.

Chanters Can’tGetus Enoughii

Appearance: stiff mixed drink in perpetually raised hand to indicate their adoration of the current song, mostly middle/ upper class ranging between early thirties to mid sixties.  Habits: Loud singing-along and drunken dancing coupled with elbow jabbing of friends.  Territory: Charlie Robison, Robert Earl Keen.

Minor Majority Cokeus drinkerii

Appearance: heavy makeup and minimal amount of clothes with no regards to the weather.  Habits: travel in herds, frequently speak loudly, hug incessantly and demand each other to “wait for me”.  Can be spotted by the restrooms or port-a-potties.  Territory: Eli Young, Chris Knight.

Cranky Octogenarians Lotsus complaintsii

Appearance:  Shiny belt buckles and polished boots (male).  Rhinestones and beauty parlor hair (female).  Identifying trait is crossed arms.  Habits:  Strongly prefer to be formally addressed.  Not afraid to let you know if something is pissing them off.  Terrible tippers.  Territory: Ray Price, Asleep at the Wheel.

Dancers Cutus a-rugii

Appearance:  Similar to the Cranky Octogenarian, this group is normally dressed to the nines.  Very friendly and habitually chatty.  Habits:  Dance all night long with little time for drinking.  Can be spotted asking for more dance floor salt.  Territory: Max Stalling, McKay Brothers.

Irregulars Starus struckii

Appearance: ranges from club clothes to self-modified sleeveless t-shirts.  Habits: This crowd is usually found in bars, not concert venues, but came out to hear someone “t.v. famous”.  Can be found drinking before the show, drinking at the show, fighting, then leaving to drink after the show.  Territory: Gary Allan, Jack Ingram.

Used-tos Oldus daysii / Oncers Beforeus TheyDieii

Appearance: Used-tos are mostly middle class ranging between mid thirties to early sixties.  Oncers are late twenties to late thirties.  Habits:  These two groups often end up at the same show but do not characteristically mingle well.  Used-tos are reminiscing and reliving days gone by, while Oncers are there to see the legends at least once in their life.  Territory: Willie Nelson.

Yeehawers Hellus Yeahii

Appearance: jeans, boots, at least a hint of camouflage somewhere and, more often than any other concert, t-shirt of the headlining band.  Habits: Pumped to be there, sing along to every song and laugh at monologues they’ve heard a million times.  Commonly stay through two encores until the joint closes.  Territory: Kevin Fowler, Randy Rogers.

Keep in mind these groups are subject to weather and previous social obligations.  Some parties are friendlier than others.  Be cautious and speak softly when directly approaching.

Disturbing fact: McDonald’s Chicken Salad has more fat and calories than a Big Mac.

Observations of a Honky Tonk Doorwoman

In Honky Tonk on 11/24/2009 at 3:54 pm

I work the door at a honky tonk in my spare time.  It’s a great side job and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  And man, have I seen some things.  Here is a listing of Honky Tonk Rules to Live By.  The list is ever expanding.

  1. Every performer has a different crowd dynamic.
  2. If you’re six foot seven, dressed head to toe in black, including a ten gallon hat and you’ve been kicked out for being drunk, we’re going to notice when you try to walk through the front gate again.
  3. In a room filled with 65 years worth of accumulated stuff, I’m not exactly sure where your father’s 20 years ago donation is, especially when it’s the size of a note card.
  4. Do some research before you pay $20 to see someone you’ve never heard of and didn’t know was playing.
  5. Throwing a tantrum about guest list discrepancies is bratty, whether you are 14 or 64.
  6. The nicer you are to me, the more likely I am to bend the rules for you.
  7. Don’t stand in line for 15 minutes, then figure out you don’t have your wallet.
  8. Not apologizing for doing my job does not make me mean.  This is called Doing My Job.
  9. Asking me the same question 18 times in 20 minutes will not change the answer but it will change my tone.
  10. I won’t remember you from ten minutes ago unless you specifically asked me to.
  11. If you find banners next to the stage distracting, you should come to a more interesting show.
  12. Items older than my father will not be familiar enough for me to tell you the year of their production.
  13. If you pay the entire ticket price in quarters, don’t be annoyed when I actually count them.
  14. I’m not sure which boots are John Wayne’s.
  15. Everyone has something to complain about.
  16. No.  You can not have the autographed picture of Willie Nelson, Dwight Yoakum or Lyle Lovett.
  17. The tip line on the receipt is automatically there.  I didn’t write it in, I don’t expect you to put something there, so don’t ask me why I expect a tip since I didn’t “do anything”.
  18. I may be white but I know how to spell Garcia, Rodriguez and Fernandez.
  19. If I ask how to spell your name, it’s because you’re mumbling.
  20. Leaning over the counter and directly pointing to your name on the Will Call/ Guest list does not help your case.
  21. Nobody asked you to line up at the gate before dawn.  The doors will still open at 7 pm.
  22. Letting elderly and handicapped persons inside five minutes earlier than the rest of the crowd is not a reason to begin a riot.  Typically oxygen tanks and wheelchairs will not block your ability to be pressed up against the stage barricades.
  23. The best tipping crowds are those who are young enough to remember being in the service industry and old enough to have tipping money, or parents of people who are currently in the service industry.
  24. People over the age of seventy usually have a lot to say about what they don’t like.
  25. When you’re coming into a bar, being a minor means under 21.  I don’t care that you can buy lottery tickets and cigarettes.
  26. Minors do not have to show ID.  You don’t have to prove you are too young to drink.
  27. If you send your child out to a show, give them some money.  You never know when they need a taxi, water or to pay a minor charge at the gate.
  28. Don’t make assumptions about me because I work the door at a honky tonk.
  29. Minors either have a suspicious amount of money in their wallet or none at all.
  30. If you turn down the A/C because someone complains of the cold, within 15 minutes someone will complain it is too hot.
  31. If we sell out of tickets, you are Shit Outta Luck.  I don’t care how far you drove because you could have bought them on the internet two months ago.
    1. And no, there is nothing I can do.  I work the door; I don’t make fire code regulations.
  32. Things change.  If you were here ten years ago and you could bring in your own liquor, the same may not be true today.
  33. If I ask you if you are a minor and you are not, this is not a personal question.  Listening carefully will reveal everyone being asked the same question since minors are charged extra at the door.
  34. Be polite to the police.  They decide how your evening will go.
  35. People who arrive in a limo are drunk already.
  36. Limo drivers should be paid A LOT more money.
  37. Just because I am sitting at the door does not mean I am the person available for idle chatting.  For example; your allergy to wheat beer, your child’s inability to handle loud noise and how much you liked the pool table we had 15 years ago.
  38. Wet money is gross.
  39. I can spot minors from a mile away.  This is nearly always true:
    1. Minors travel in herds.  Three or more, chance of being a minor increases tenfold.
    2. Minors never wear enough clothes.  Boobs and legs everywhere.
    3. Minors will stand just outside the gate for hours until the rest of the group arrives.
    4. Minors are usually hanging on each other.  Gender does not matter.

Weird fact: Kidsbeer is a Japanese soft drink bottled and formulated to look like beer.

Liberty Bar/ Sam’s II

In Honky Tonk/ Food on 11/23/2009 at 4:44 pm

First stop was Liberty Bar, one of my favorite restaurants.  The food is consistently good and the atmosphere has funk without being trendy.  A friend of mine and I once ate dinner two tables away from Tommy Lee Jones.  Exciting, although I’ve heard he is not too friendly about gawkers and apparently so had the rest of the bar because everyone totally ignored him until he left, then an immediately audible buzz crowded the room.

After putting our name on the list, we cruised over to the bar side and perched right next Mr. James McMurtry himself.  According to the bartender, he is a former employee; when he plays in the area, he always goes there to eat.  We were soon seated but I basked beside his long hair and ubiquitous hat for a solid twenty minutes.

The pot roast and chocolate cake are delicious staples on the menu but I ventured into frog leg realm because 1.) They are rarely a menu item, 2.) I have never had a bad frog leg and 3.) There was mention of mole sauce which I found odd and intriguing.  The frogs were delicious: light, with a small initial butter taste.  Consistently, this meat is clean tasting with a slight open-water aftertaste.  As for the mole, I am glad I dipped my pinkie in it before dunking.  For those unfamiliar, mole can be the assigned name for a variety of sauces.  My personal mole is popular in Tex-Mex cuisine, prepared with dried chili peppers, ground nuts and/or seeds, spices, Mexican chocolate, salt, and a variety of other ingredients including bread crumbs or crackers for thickness. (thanks Wikipedia)  Mole is never consistent venue to venue but to me a good mole is not grainy.  Great mole should reach my palate as smoky and sweet, leaving with a hint of chili.  The plated mole, thankfully on the side, qualified as good mole but not great mole.  Predominately chili, I didn’t taste any chocolate sweetness and only a minuscule aftertaste of smoke.  Though slightly disappointing, this is the ultimate beauty of pairing unfamiliar comestibles together; since I did not expect the mole to be the defining element of my meal, I was therefore not upset by its accompanying absence.

After dinner, we headed over to Sam’s Burger Joint.  One building is for food; another sits next door about 20 feet and is dedicated to music.  Smoking is no longer allowed inside.  There is a bar on the far wall.  A reserved table proved to be an excellent idea as seating is quite peculiar.

  1. Shape – this building fits on the lot and is therefore, not square, rectangular or any other shape you learned in kindergarten.  The shape is something straight out of advanced geometry, or that’s the way it seems in the dark.  Something like this: Sam’s Setup
  1. Seating – due to the random shape of the structure, seating is equally as haphazard.  Our table was the second booth from the stage along the wall by the door.  Many thanks to the person who picked our booth.  Great view of the stage.  People were standing in front of the stage, mostly filling the dance floor.  This blocks the view of seats along the dance floor and back wall.  If you go to a show at Sam’s and they have tables for sale, I highly recommend you purchase one.  Get your friends to pitch in.
  2. Drinks – having previously utilized the bar in the music building, I was glad to be seated by the front door so we could access the restaurant bar outside.  This bar was significantly less crowded and didn’t have loungers.  No Purple Haze but Lone Star Light tall boys were readily available as was a pleasant bartender.  A small point of contingency was wait service inside.  I only saw one waitress that evening so I understand she was busy.  My annoyance lies in the fact that she served the booth in front of us all night but never once asked the three of us if we wanted anything.  As the evening wore on, it was obvious we had no trouble tending ourselves but it would have been nice to be asked.
  3. Bathrooms – I don’t know Sam’s gender but if Sam is female, she pees at home.  The women’s bathroom in the music building is another lesson in advanced geometry; when swinging doors are added to the mixture the whole equation is a mess.  Avoid it at all costs.  The restaurant bathroom was open for use, although waiting for it meant listening to a woman give her daughter’s phone number to two tipsy frat boys.  I had to hear this go down because the bathroom occupant was writing a novel.  It must be a really great novel because I ended up using the Men’s.  None too bad guys, keep it up!

James McMurtry played a great show.  My only complaint is that he didn’t play all night long.  Songwriting is right on; his music is uncluttered and excellently executed.  I appreciate his lack of chatting as well, mainly due to the fact that monologues are usually difficult to hear over talking people and through a microphone setup for music.

Trivia which is both interesting and useless: When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour.

Sam’s Burger Joint

In Honky Tonk on 11/20/2009 at 3:35 pm

Sam’s Burger Joint has tasty, tasty burgers.  Also beer.  Once they had Purple Haze, a delightful surprise.  I went to a Bruce Robison show there and he ate at the table next to us.  Special moment.  Tonight a couple of friends and I are heading over to see James McMurtry.  We bought a table for the show.  The second building away from the restaurant is the music building and is an odd setup because it is not necessarily centered around the stage.  Its been quite a while since I have been there though.  Update on Monday.

Thing that makes you go hmmm: There are no poisonous snakes in Maine.

Big State Festivus for the Rest of Us

In Uncategorized on 11/19/2009 at 3:59 pm

On October 13 & 14 2007, a gathering occurred just outside of College Station at the Texas World Speedway.  It was a wonderland of music, harmony and bag chairs.  The weather was nice (overall), the setup was good, people even recycled.  Music ranged from Drew Kennedy to Tim McGraw.  Although famous country singers are of no interest to me, I did appreciate their presence as a weed-out factor to see honestly talented Texas musicians in peace.

Musical highlights: Leon Russell, who I really wanted to see at least once in my life, played a great chill show which set the mood for the weekend, merging hippies and rednecks.  Billy Joe Shaver, seemed thrilled to be there, was very energetic and whose set list truly highlighted his song writing range.  The Gougers were on a quiet side stage, making it easier to enjoy their music. I will admit we skipped most of Willie Nelson but that is only because we had seen him while working the weekend before.  Tied for first, with Lyle Lovett, as my favorite performance was Charlie and Bruce Robison with Kelly Willis.  Unbelievable show.  We got there early to get good seats, which was a brilliant idea since people kept wandering over.  Bonus: Saw Kelly Willis at the port-a-potties.

Good: Lots of port-a-potties and no lines, music started mostly on time and ran on schedule; major props to the schedule Nazis with headsets who kept that going, a wide variety of food and retail vendors, nice merchandise range not outrageously expensive, huge tent with bar and giant TVs showing college football, great exposure to new and seasoned music from the Texas scene, stock car racing, during which I learned my best friend is a closet NASCAR junkie as she explained every detail of the race, including a roadway beat down (awesome!).

Annoying: Lyle Lovett and Lynyrd Skynyrd playing at the same time.  Quiet awesomeness with screaming southern rock on caddy corner stages.  Scheduling people should have done a tad more research.

Really Bad: Heineken light.

The day of Robert Earl Keen’s performance the grass caught fire and burned some vehicles.  If you are an REK fan, you know the monologue from his No. 2 Dinner Live CD which describes his experience at Willie Nelson’s Second Picnic at Texas World Speedway in College Station where his car burned up.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Alas, this festival was supposed to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship but this dream was never realized.  Despite nothing but positive reviews and generous crowds, the people in charge couldn’t get their act together and Big State is no more.  If you missed it, let this be a lesson to you: Carpe freakin’ diem.

Fun and check-and-see provoking fact: There is no period after the Dr in Dr Pepper.

Two Brothers BBQ Market review

In Food on 11/18/2009 at 6:15 pm

After schlepping through IKEA – Round Rock with my mom the other weekend, we decided to try the Two Brothers BBQ Market on West Avenue.  It’s behind another restaurant which has fantastic chile rellenos.  We hit up the joint about 7 pm on a nice Saturday evening.  Smelled delightful on the outside.  Not many people inside but there were a couple of families with children on the deck and playscape.

The ordering, payment and receiving processes included three counters which are not in chronological order so it was a tad confusing.  Staff was friendly but not very anxious to alleviate our disorientation or provide recommendations.  We ordered brisket and sausage, with individual sides of potato salad (me) and creamed corn (madre).  The subsequent tray included these items AND two sides of purple slaw which I hesitate to call cole slaw for reasons I will explain later.

1. Brisket – Best thing we had.  Sliced thin but not lunch-meat thin.  A nice smoky taste with minimal fat.

2. Sausage – I would like to start by saying I was raised on Lockhart sausage and therefore my standards are very high.  I typically don’t order this meat on a whim because I am so gosh darn picky.  And this order reminded me of why.  Yuck.  Squishy, greasy, just so disappointingly common.  No hint of spice or taste of the local kitchen.

3. Potato salad – There’s an episode of the Simpsons where they are all sent to hell.  Homer notes that it’s not so bad but begins to scream upon his discovery that hell only serves German potato salad.  I understand everyone likes their potato salad different ways.  Personally, Bill Miller’s variety with a ration of two pickle chips to each bite is pure PS heaven.  Two Brothers version though was having a serious identity crisis.  It was exactly between warm and cool, seasoned and bland, and neither mayonnaise-y or mustard-y.  Like side item purgatory.

4. Creamed corn – Don’t take my opinion 100% on this one but according to my eyeballs and my mom, it was a lotta corn and not a lotta creamed.  So much that it didn’t drip off the spoon, rather corn tumbled off in individual kernels and a splash of white trailed after.

5. Purple slaw – Again, we didn’t order it and no one mentioned why it was on our tray.  If it was supposed to be an enticing demo, it didn’t work.  Notably, it was aesthetically pleasing.  Long purple shard of cabbage, haphazardly tossed and delicately drizzled with vinegar.  Not really a cole slaw type since the pieces didn’t seem to go together but happened to end up in the same dish by fate.

Barbeque sauce was also in short supply.  All three vials were less than half way full and way more ketchup littered the condiment table.  I have been to plenty of places where the meat is so fantastical that sauce is a freaking insult but this was definitely not one of those places.  Pickled things were generously available however.

I wanted really badly for this place to be AWESOME.  But it wasn’t.  There are some intriguing things on the menu; a second visit is not completely out of the question.  They had beer at least but as a final blow, no Lone Star Light.

Intriguing and unrelated tidbit:  One billion seconds equals 31.71 years.

Hey Baby Queso

In Food on 11/17/2009 at 4:31 pm

Did the first people who combined a block of Velveeta with two cans of Rotel realize, truly realize, the industrial nature of their actions.  Queso is delicious.  Queso is versatile.  Queso is the word people who “speak a little Spanish” are referring.  It’s a party snack, meat enhancer and drunken fortifier.

According to Wikipedia and Kraft, Velveeta has been pleasing families since first made in 1918 by Swiss immigrant Emil Frey in Monroe, New York, Velveeta is easy melting, featuring a creamy texture and distinctive taste.  Made mostly from magical fantasticness and partly from whey, which due to the amount of nutrients, Velveeta was advertised for its nutrition and is classified by the USDA as pasteurized process cheese product, which ultimately means I have to take Lactaid pills to eat it. http://brands.kraftfoods.com/Velveeta/VelveetaFlashHistory

Rotel, (officially Ro*Tel), per the brand website, is a line of canned tomatoes and green chiles with different varieties of varying degrees of hotness and spiciness. Ro*Tel gets its name from its inventor, Carl Roettele, who figured no one would be able to spell or pronounce Roettele, using the name RO*TEL® instead.  In 1963, the wife of a popular politician in Washington bragged to a national magazine about her recipe for homemade chili, revealing the secret ingredient to be RO*TEL.  http://www.ro-tel.com/rotel-history.jsp Although I highly suspect “her” recipe for homemade chili was actually the cook’s recipe for homemade chili.

Queso lasts forever too.  Just stir in the naturally occurring protective skin, microwave and enjoy like the first time.  Even if you drip it on a crocheted table runner from the seventies, it will maintain its shape indefinitely.  Added bonus if the pattern of said table runner has pre-existing dollops of yellow for the ultimate blending factor.

THE POINT:  Queso is good shit.

Interesting and completely unrelated tidbit of trivia:  At 37 years of age, actor Jack Nicolson of “The Shining” fame, discovered the woman he’d always thought was his sister was actually his mother.  This information was revealed by a Time Magazine journalist doing a feature on him.

They call it the Hill Country

In Honky Tonk/ Food on 11/16/2009 at 4:20 pm

Cruised up to the hill country this weekend for porch sitting and honky tonking.  Drank some Lone Star Light, people-watched at the Sean Reefer and the Resin Valley Boys show and sat at the drunk table at Arkey Blue’s Silver Dollar Saloon.  The sawdust was fresh at Arkey’s and a good range of tourists and locals were in the mix.  I consider myself a little in between since this area is a second home to me but I know very few people.

Usually weekends such as these are junk food-o-ramas but I restrained myself to only queso, dark chocolate orange cookies and flaming hot lime cheetos with bean dip.  And reduced fat cheese nips.  And cowboy stew with cornbread.  Marie Callender’s cornbread mix, of which I can not speak highly enough.  It was deliciously crumbly with a cake like taste.  The production process does not require eggs or milk, only water, making it the delicious default.

Fun and completely unrelated fact:  Apple seeds contain cyanide.